Apologies are a key tool for rebuilding trust and repairing relationships after a transgression at work. But not all apologies are created equal. A new study by Sijun Kim, assistant professor of management at Mays Business School, and his colleagues suggest that the language used in an apology can significantly influence how effective the apology is perceived to be. Surprisingly, the research suggests that apologizing in a way that contradicts gender stereotypes may actually elicit more forgiveness, especially for women. The study, led by Beth Polin at Eastern Kentucky University and published in the Journal of Applied Psychology, tested two competing theories about how gender influences apology effectiveness.

Academic Theories with Different Predictions

According to role congruity theory, apologies should be most effective when the content fits with gender stereotypes: assertive, solution-focused language for men and emotional, communal language for women. However, expectancy violation theory proposes that violating stereotypes can sometimes be beneficial by leading to positive attributions about the apologizer. So which theory won out when it comes to apologies?

The Studies

To test these conflicting perspectives, the researchers first analyzed a dataset of real public apologies offered on Twitter (now X), by male and female celebrities. The results showed that women’s apologies were perceived as more sincere and effective when they contained assertive, agentic language. While this study does not provide evidence that men’s apologies are received better with communal messages than agentic ones, it indicates that doing so would not hurt male apologizers, either.

This initial finding supported the expectancy violation theory for women and favored neither of the two competing arguments for men – apologies that go against stereotypes get more attention and lead to more favorable perceptions of the apologizer. But why? Does violating expectations change how people view the person apologizing?

To further examine the psychology behind “counterstereotypical” apologies, the research conducted several controlled experiments manipulating both the gender of the apologizer and the content of their apology. Apologies containing counter-stereotypical language consistently improved perceptions of effectiveness and trustworthiness compared to stereotype-confirming apologies. In the experimental studies, the research team found that both men and women fare well with the apology messages that violate gender stereotypes.

For male apologizers, using communal language focusing on interpersonal sensitivity led participants to view them as more benevolent and caring. For females, agentic apologies increased attributions of competence and assertiveness. By contradicting stereotypes about their gender, the apologizers shaped observers’ impressions in a positive direction.

Implications for the Workplace 

So, what does all of this mean for the everyday professional looking to navigate the complex world of workplace apologies? The key takeaway is clear: don’t be afraid to step outside of traditional gender norms when crafting your apology. For men, this might mean embracing a more communal and empathetic tone, highlighting your understanding of the other party’s feelings. For women, an agentic and assertive approach, emphasizing your commitment to rectifying the situation, could be more effective.

By strategically tailoring your apology to break from stereotypes, you open the door to enhanced perceptions of sincerity and effectiveness, laying the groundwork for repaired trust and stronger professional relationships.

Finally, genuine displays of vulnerability that go against gender norms can foster deeper human connections. We often try to project an image at work aligned with stereotypes. But sometimes exposing our weaknesses and sharing emotions in unexpected ways can be hugely beneficial for trust-building.

Recovering from a trust breach is difficult but not impossible with the right approach. This research provides an important reminder that social expectations aren’t always rational or helpful. By thoughtfully violating gender stereotypes, leaders can craft apologies that feel authentic and sincere, allowing them to repair damage and get back to work.